my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
