In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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