ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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