I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
