umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
