the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
