omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
