i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
