I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
