you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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