I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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