I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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