this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
