yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
