Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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