put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
