I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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