I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I can't turn off my feet"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
