do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
