I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
