Apparently you make a good broom.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
