sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
