WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
