I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
