i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
