New low: just hacked my moms facebook
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
