I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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