I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
