i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace