Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.