Just fell off a train. Bad.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
