I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
