dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
