You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
