clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
