Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
