Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
