dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
