I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
