Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
