I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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