i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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