I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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