If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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