Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
