Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
