I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
