I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
