I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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