She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
