you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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