Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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