I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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