K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
