I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it hurts more in the daytime
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He passed out mid-signature
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
