I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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