It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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