Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
