My Higher Power is John Stamos
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just found puke in my bra..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
