i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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